More Cheez-It Blasphemy! Cheez-It Puff’d.

As if haunted by the banshee of Kellog, soon after my last post about a Cheez-It variant I learned about a new abomination.  “CHEEZ-IT PUFF’D.”  It also qualifies as a mutilation.  Because these barely resemble Cheez-Its at all.  They are square versions of those cheese puffs that are like tubular styrofoam and practically melt in your mouth before you can chew them.  I’ve always preferred Cheetos because they have more substance, are fun to chew, taste good, and remind me of how my toes look.  Cheez-It Puff’d could be used as little pillows in a doll’s house if you weren’t concerned about cleanliness.  This product also commits two crimes against grammar.  Not unusual in American advertising and marketing.  But apparently we cannot count on Kellog to break the chain of inter-generational transmission of psychopathology.  First, instead of “PUFFED” we have “PUFF’D.”  At least they were decent enough to include an apostrophe.  Perhaps the graphic designer, hungover from the previous night, suddenly realized there was not enough space for all six letters but they at least had room for an apostrophe.  The second grammatical skullduggery is more pernicious and subliminal.  The hyphen usually present in “CHEEZ-IT” here is replaced by an image of a Cheez-It itself.  Presumably a puffed – or puff’d – one.  This stunt had me questioning my sanity and a lifetime of memories.  Until I confirmed that other “CHEEZ-IT” variant packages do use a hyphen.  I no longer felt the need to get my Risperdal adjusted.  More bad news, or good news if you have a mean streak and want your brothers and sisters to be deprived of Cheez-Its should they be possessed of a predeliction for them, there is reportedly a Cheez-It shortage due to supply chain problems.  In short, it continues to be a sad time for Cheez-It Puritans.  But if you’re a Cheez-It pervert, there are so many permutations of this once predictable cracker you can freely wallow in Cheez-It degeneracy.  Or maybe it’s pluralism.  Or diversity.  Or Cheez-It fluidity.